I don’t think I have ever known what I want in life.
I always have known what I want in the present but I have never been truly confident in a plan or guideline of where I should be in “X” amount of years. I feel I am a bit immature because of this, I should have a plan and be more responsible; I should have a secure future because I am getting older. I usually come up with five or six ideas of how my life will look but it is constantly changing. I’m worried my current plan won’t satisfy me. I crave freedom.
I feel that many people, myself included, hide behind a mask of security. I have a secure career, steady safe income and family close to me; but does that make me the happiest I can be? Do we have to follow a set plan of expectations that society places on us for us to be happy? I look back on times where I have been at my happiest. Nine times out of ten I am happiest with people that fuel my passions. The people in this world make it worth living to me. I’m talking about the people who live life with no barriers, no secure veils. They put what they have out on the line to do the things they love and it inspires me to no end. This is the closest I’ve been to knowing what I want. I want to be those people and be surrounded by those people.
The reality is that you only get this one life, and despite what anyone tells you, you can be and do anything you desire. For me I have no problem with this, I have a direction problem not a speed problem.
Now don’t take what I am saying in the wrong way, I am a super happy confident person as is right now. I have so many special people in my life presently and if this is all I had tomorrow I would still be a very happy person. I love my job and I still dream of owning a home and making a family one day. I just don’t want to come to a point in my life where I regret not seeing what was outside of my normal happy life, perhaps it’s a dangerous terrain to venture on but everything you want is on the other side of fear right?
A girlfriend of mine once told me, once you get a taste of this life you don’t go back. She was referring to traveling. Anyone who has truly gone and traveled knows exactly what she was talking about. You meet people who change you, you go to places that change you and then you really start to question if you were meant for more. You feel things you’ve never felt before, you feel things that are familiar to you but enhanced by a million! You fall in love with people and then they rip your heart out when you say goodbye to them. You laugh harder than you ever thought was possible. You fall in love with places and you think that you have discovered the best place until another place blows you away. You become a kinder person because you feel so much more, you become so much more happy. It’s a roller coaster of emotion and the spectrum is called living.
To feel things so deeply is life to me, why would you ever want to be comfortable when you could have so much more. This is my personal opinion however. I know many people would rather just be comfortable, but I hope they have experienced both to know its what they really want. Comfortable is safe. You don’t have to feel sadness so hard and sometimes you get pretty lonely, but you also don’t feel happiness as strongly either in my opinion.
I am not an expert but these are my current* thoughts. This is why I have decided to take a leave of absence from my career and I am going to travel some parts of the world that have been on the top of my travel list. Some of the places involve friends, and some of the places I am going to make friends (hopefully!).
I will try to blog as much as I can during this time, and of course I will take many photos (updated on Instagram). I might seem a little all over the place but that is who I am, these are my thoughts.
I know I will come out of this experience learning a little bit more about myself, places and others, and even if that is all I can get, it is enough.